Don’t force yourself to be grateful

It can’t be forced

The last few months I have gone through it. I think most of us have. That dark, awkward, uncertain swampy soup. And although life is beautiful and I cherish it the last few months I have struggled to feel grateful the way I normally do. Then I’ve felt incredibly guilty for not feeling grateful. 

Trying to force myself to feel grateful.

Shame myself into feeling grateful. 

But the truth is I was pissed off. At the uncertainty in the air, the things going on overseas, the comment sections I was seeing on social media, the way my friend was being treated, the way Matt was being treated at work, the way bills that were coming at me left right and centre, the injustice I was seeing EVERYWHERE. Meanwhile undergoing what felt like a demolition of my self-concept.  

But I wouldn’t let myself really be pissed off and frustrated because ‘I should be grateful’. I have a gorgeous partner, gorgeous friends, gorgeous home, and nothing ‘big’ had happened to me personally so I have to stop being mopey. 

As a teen when I would be bawling crying about my roaring acne. I would hear the phrase “Emma there’s people starving, it’s just a few spots”. The intention of this statement was to make me feel better. The result of this statement was a truck load of guilt for not feeling overjoyed gratitude for my full belly, my face, the makeup and endless products to help my face. I was a self-obsessed, selfish person for feeling anything but pure joy looking at my painful face. This statement felt like s**t.

With the work I do I hear “I know I should be grateful but..” a lot.

I like to get rid of these shaming statement. To me this is saying..

“I know I’m a terrible person but..”

And you know that doesn’t go down with me.

But that was what I had been doing. Feeling more down than I have done in years then telling myself “you should be grateful, you could have it worse”. 

Then a couple of weeks ago I lost a gorgeous friend and student of mine. She was one of the most joyful people. This news broke my heart into pieces and broke me open. I grieved. I let myself grieve. I let my little heart sob. I let myself feel it all. I surrendered to it all.

 I have been going to the waterfront and writing to her, with her, she is there. I am so grateful that I got to know her. To have all of these gorgeous memories together. Looking at photos of her makes me smile so big. She made me smile so big. She had this way of being grateful for everything. So grateful. I have been thinking about it a lot.

We can’t force gratefulness. We can’t try it on like a mask. To feel grateful is our hearts sigh with joy. You can’t sigh when you are holding your breath. Holding everything in out of shame.

I’d been holding a lot in. (Yes I had been doing all of my embodiment work but I know I had been holding back). 

This heartbreaking news gave me no choice. I couldn’t hold it in. 

I am grateful for you my friend. You touched my heart and I will be forever grateful for you and BECAUSE of you. Your warmth and wittiness will be dearly missed but you will inspire me forever. 

I’ve cried with gratitude a lot over the last few days. Gratitude for this life and this weird rock we live on and its challenges and the way when everything feels like it’s going to s**t the moon shows up surrounded by stars that leave you speechless. 

If you are someone in the swampy soup right now, it’s okay if you are not crying with gratitude about your first sip of coffee. Don’t shame yourself into feeling grateful. Let your feelings be. The gratitude will come when your heart has space to sigh. And when it does. You can soak in it. 

Forced gratitude tastes like cardboard.

Real gratitude tastes Divine and it’s worth the wait. 

My beautiful friend you may not read my letters anymore but are forever in my heart. 

If you have got this far please reply to this with something you feel genuinely grateful for right now. Big or small 🧡

Thank you for being here.

I am genuinely grateful for you. 

Lots of love,

Emma x x x x