Words from a recovering people pleaser
Don't trust a people pleaser.
Seeking positive responses from the people around me didn’t come from me being a nice person, it came from me being a terrified one. One who was running from the gut-wrenching guilt that came with other people's disappointment.
I didn’t do it to be noble and put everyone before me. I did it because life was easier when I had less guilt inside me.
I wrote this years ago when I was struggling to get up in the morning..
“If you cut me open guilt would pour out, and I would scoop it back up because I don’t know who I am without it”
The past few years I have been getting to know myself without guilt and you know what? I’m not a terrible person.
My fear of letting guilt go was that if I let it go I would be a terrible terrible person. The resentment of self-abandoning had grown and grown and guilt was holding me as a ‘nice’ person by a thread.
What actually happened though was that the resentment subsided when I actually started prioritising my needs. And without guilt I still care a lot.
A lot of my clients have this fear too “who am I without guilt? What if I am a terrible person?”. I’ll tell you, each one of them discovered that they have huge hearts, of course they do. Guilt doesn’t make you care. You feel guilt so deeply because you cared to begin with.
Again..
Guilt doesn’t make you care. You feel guilt so deeply because you cared to begin with.
I also thought without people pleasing I would lose everyone but all my relationships have improved 😳.
I have learnt that you can’t fully trust a people pleaser because ultimately they aren't being completely honest. They will put you first at all costs. “No you have the last cookie”, “I’ll cover all of your classes no worries”, “No I don’t mind I’ll do XYZ”. If I ask someone to cover my class I would much rather them tell me they don’t have the capacity than say yes and be overwhelmed. I have begun to not ask people for favours who I can’t trust to not just say yes to me to appease me. I would much rather you say no to me than a resentful yes. I don’t want to be the cause of your self abandon.
My relationships have improved because they have more trust. People in my life are able to trust me more now that I am honest with them and the feeling of their acceptance is just delicious!
People pleasing is a skill and it can come in handy for safety. For example.. when me and Matt were stranded in outback Australia with a broke down camper and got picked up at 2am by a truck it was crucial for safety to people please the guy who said he would ratchet strap us to the back of the truck if he didn’t like us.
It is also handy when there is someone with explosive emotions and we can people please to calm the situation and secure our safety.
We learnt this skill for a reason. There has been a purpose for it. But if we are in a constant state of people pleasing we need to learn how and where we can feel safe enough to not fawn.
In my head I store a list of safe and unsafe people. People I can be honest around and people who I fawn around. The safe list is getting longer, some people from the unsafe list became safe and new people have arrived on the safe list.
When we feel safe to not self-abandon then there is the question of what we actually need and how we can figure that out when we are not used to allowing ourselves to have it? That’s a whole other newsletter. lol.
If you resonate with this but don’t know how to shift out of it I can help you. I have been trained to help you move through this in multiple ways and have lived through the process.
My 1:1 coaching clients have been smashing it recently. I am a proud mama. They are doing big brave things in order to prioritise themselves and I couldn’t be more happy for them. I see a weight lifting off their shoulders and it brings me JOY!
If you are interested in working with me check my availability below. I have a few coaching slots available for Oct-Nov (Break in December) and I would love to work with you.
If coaching isn’t available to your right now check out ‘The Embodied Aerialist Membership’ where you can get classes and resources for a fraction of the price.
Thank you for being here!
Lots of love,
Em x x x x